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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  March 27, 2015 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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tonight! goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> it's 11:59 and 59 secretary this happened on barstool we're smack-dab in the middle of spring break you know what that means, lots of footage of hot coed on hot concrete action. (laughter) >> good job cody. nothing says i'll beat your ass like a pink tank top and teva san dahls. now this guy by the cay has been trying to start a fight
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for like most of the video but we couldn't show you the whole individual why you know this guy what is his fraternity nick name natasha leggero. >> milwaukee's worst. >> sarah tiana. >> i think it's adell because he's chasing pavement. >> nice that's fantastic. yeah. jeff ross. >> they just call him flip. >> yeah, perfect. it's time to start @midnight. captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight is tag team thursday. tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers. they and air tag team partners will both be winners together. though they may never meet. tonight we have three stars from the comedy central roast of justin bieber premiering monday march 30th. preshow at 9:portioned roast at 10 p.m. roaster and birthday girl natasha leggero. (applause)
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>> now who are you playing for natasha? >> i'm playing for someone named captain underscore hoek18. >> okay. call to the red carpet preshow sarah tiana! (cheers and applause) >> who are you playing for today, sarah? >> i'm playing for bubba wet. >> boba wet. >> i can't believe that's a girl. >> it is yeah. >> she is making me boba dry. >> nice one. rounding out the panel the roastmaster general himself jeff ross. (applause) >> thank you. who are you playing for?
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>> somebody named onelawnwrangler. >> one lawnwranglers? oh. >> coffee coffee coffee coffee cough heee coffee #coffee. >> do you want to go out for tea sometime? now i think we were all a little worried about what the justin bieber roast might be what meltdowns might occur what gunfire might ensue-- ensue. >> rit. >> but i heard that it went off beautifully that he took everything really well. everyone was funny. i heard you guys both crushed it like it was -- >> he is at the bottom so he can take things there. (applause) >> a hundred points for sarah tiana. all right. let's start the program ripped from the internethead lanes it's rapid refresh. >> just one week after being subjected to the acid tongue
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wit of tonight's panelist jus tin bieber made even more noise on social media by getting a new puppy. this is justin bieber's puppy on his instagram account look at that puppy. look at it puppy being blep [bleep] by justin bieber rate there. given the option peta probably would have recommended euthanizeation. since this puppy was not part of the rest material please give the joke would you tell about this new development. >> pink crayon is to the only his fan's favorite writing instrument, it also describes the dog's [bleep] he will be sucking. >> jeez. >> well it's supposed to be rest level right? >> that is an expression of a dog that is contemplating suicide. >> natasha, i wish you were that funny on the [bleep]. >> sarah. >> i was just hoping that maybe this puppy can teach
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justin how to pee standing up. >> points. >> and now for edification we would like to present a a brief and wonderous instagram history of the modern douchebag. a fellow like tho. >> there you go. ironic facial hair probably rides a uni cycle and constantly drinks small batch artisinal coffee which makes him have artisinal farts. then in 2010. douche du jour was this gentlemen constantly pelting energy drinks speculating whether his bros even lift and dressing exclusively in tapout the official clothing brand of jack ass depo within but tapout part youred with wwe and hopes to make a comeback. so comedians please give me a slogan for the all new tapout slogan. >> she can't say no if her
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mouth is full. >> all right. >> points. >> all right. >> that brings us to the end of rapid refresh it's now time for the hashtag wars. just limbering up cracking their knuckles monday is the much anticipated televised slaughter of justin bieber. we're going to give you a bunch of facts about jus tin bieber that may or may not be true. tonight's hashtag full of facts totally up to you is welyitornot. >> all right? d -- beliebitornot. >> examples might be he was born have aa ryan seakreses's sneeze. >> switched bodies with a dog or unhinges jaw to swallow an entire pig. i will put 60 seconds on the clock and begin. >> fat asia leggero. >> butt hole covered in $3 million of swarovski
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crystals. >> points. >> jeff. >> his favorite food is whatever is stuck in usher's teeth. >> points. >> oh pie god. >> wait a minute wait a minute so he eats his own [bleep] what what what? come on. (applause) >> i like that you're bringing out your roasty vibe. >> yeah, you are bringing it out i'm sorry, usher i'm nice. jeff ross. >> we're roasting him again next year. >> points. >> sarah. >> he's actually not canadian he's kenyan and he refuses to show his birth certificate. >> okay points. >> jeff. >> he's actually 53 years old. >> points. >> natasha. >> sarah. >> he still has a hotmail account. >> points. >> jeff.
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>> maybe i shouldn't say this but he banged natasha at the afterparty. >> what? >> he's hot he's hot. >> do i get points for that. >> why not. >> points. his testicles are actually distended ovarys. >> points. dog i just coughed and my pussy nuts fell out. s this's the end of #warsing send us your #beliebitornot. we'll be right back. >> condition gratlations from our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. well played
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>> welcome book @midnight. i have something to show you guys. here's a picture of jeff and his new bff. >> that's adorable. >> that's adorable. >> makeup sweatshirt and triple xl. >> yeah, i do believe it. >> absolutely. >> now i'm assuming there are a lot of jecks that did not make it into the broadcast since you are the roastmaster general please fell free to use this as your page. >> i have actually masturbatted to you before because my search words with teen pussy and your picture keeps coming up. >> well played. >> did you have one too. >> i have one. >> you know justin bieber egged a house recently. he's literal leigh wasted
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more good eggs than jennifer aniston. (laughter) >> funny joke. >> natasha do you have one. >> mine mine is about jeff ross. >> okay please yeah. >> jeff ross looks like someone put a butter sculpture of mr. clean in the microwave. >> (laughter) >> a thousand points for all of you. >> $1,000 points for everyone. >> you lost weight since the roast. youing good. >> natasha, you know finishing school doesn't mean on your face. (applause) >> jeez. what's happening here? >> all right. now it's time to play lost and found footagement lost and found footage. for the past decade the
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found footage festival has been showcasing tons of ol bizarre vhs based insanity culled from the finest garage sales thrift stores doing the lord's work jeff hoss joe prickett and nick prueher made some of their archives available on-line. i will show whu is still from a truey back a do found festival gym, for 250 points you have to guess what the video is about. is this awesome octogenarian about to skraech a pray tore jesus or cry while drooming a cat? >> yes sarah. >> please let it be cry while grooming a cat. >> let's find out. >> i pray that you will be -- pray. >> pray for the healing. >> her cat is down there.
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(laughter) >> don't feel bad about her guys she's superdead by now. next one is this fun fella an eck part in hospital clowning or vigilante justice. >> yes clowning. >> which maybe he uses as a tool for vigilante justice but let's find out. >> another thing you didn't want to do is ever tell somebody they're going to be feeling betterment you don't know that. that makes you feel better but it doesn't necessarily be truement that patient could be terminally ill. >> oh my god. >> you're not going to make it kimmy. it's not going well. >> i think if that appeared the kids are like pull out the plug please. take it out. >> that's dr. gets no snatch
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adams there. that is ridiculous. >> a 100 points for that. last one. is this lady giving a seminar in raising puppies with the liberal use of the word bitch or tending a guard when the liberal use of the word hoe. >> sarah. >> raising puppies with a liberal use -- >> let's find out together. >> milk helps aid the bitch. >> what is normal for your bitch. >> the bitch should be examined and make sure the nipples are okay. >> wow (applause) >> i'm also a hadn't clown for pets. we love this video some of over at that i had them make a special hip-hop remix because it's begging for that. >> sometimes the bitcl will come earlier. bitch bitch bitch.
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yeah. that is the end of lost and found footage. it's time for our next game thug life rap sheet. (applause) yes the internet is full of bold selfiest takers who may not have bentleys and cristal but still try to live that thug life. i will show a selfie that tries to project an air of ballerness. will you give one of the crimes you would fine on their rap sheet. first up this hard ass. >> jeff. >> this guy was arrested for breakfasting and entering. >> points. >> next one this incontinent g. >> yeah. >> oh my god. money in a diaper should never happen. jeff. >> he was arrested for putting his money where his mouth is. >> points.
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>> a hundred points for jeff ross. >> thank you. >> and finally go ahead and take your shots a the this unbeliebable archer. >> locked and loaded ref joss-- jeff ross. >> he's shooting his new dog. >> i just like that joke because it makes the peta people mad and the justin bieber fans. that is a good cross-section within points for jeff ross. >> natasha. >> he was arrested for breaking and entering buttholes. >> that's the end of thug life rap sheet. it's time for our live challenge. tanks but no thanks. what is this. there is a new invention sweeping none of the streets. try to imagine rollerblades and make them nor embarrassing while requiring more physical exertion are you into it yet get it no. i will show a clip that won't change your mind.
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>> circle blades. it is a great way to lose calories and self-respect. comedians this is very important. you have just entered the shart tank. i would like you to come up with the pitch for this dorky mode of transportation. we'll get your answers when we are back after the break with more shart tank. (applause)
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like honey sriracha or - my favorite - salted pretzel for just $9.99. and add along an ultimate hershey's chocolate chip cookie for $4.99 with select pizza purchase. only at pizza hut. >> welcome back to @midnight. yeah yeah. before the break i asked to you pitch the side winding circular skits as if you were in the shart tank let's hear what you came up with. natasha. >> are your regular shoes keeping you from getting to that sweet pussyfest? skate there. >> sarah tiana. >> hey you know how people think you're stupid? well now they'll think you're crazy too. these skates maximum speed is slower than even the fattest bully's jaw. when you can let the world know hey here's an ass you
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can kick. >> all right. >> jeff ross. >> hey sha ra ts these are bheels -- wheels for your feet because god's plan just wasn't good enough. >> all right. i'm going to give 1,000 to sarah, 500 to natasha and jeff as we go to our next game too fast too spoilers. >> nothing gets the internet whipped up into a frenzy more than a new entry into the oscar necked fast and furious franchise. the furious 7 on the horizon i want you to come up with as many fake spoilers as you can. and you can't say vin diesel escaped a rocket by driving a supercar from one sky scaper into another sky scaper because that [bleep] happened. watch.
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>> no. >> what? (cheers and applause) >> hashtag-- the only thing that would make that more awesome is if vin diesel was spinning around on side winding circular skates. >> i'm going to put 60 seconds on the clock and begin. >> jeffrey ross. >> vin diesel in this one and jason strathham have a mumble off. >> all right. points. >> i will accept it. sarah tiana. >> lewd cries and tyrese finally kiss. >> points. >> ludicris gets offended. >> natasha. >> spoiler alert the whole script is in iambicpentamoter.
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>> brilliant, points. >> natasha. >> a group of asians wonder why they are no longer in this movie. >> sarah. >> meryl streep sings the whole time. >> points. >> that's the end of too fast too spoilers natasha you are in third place i'm so sorry, we have to eliminate from you the show. >> what? >> it's her birthday. >> guess what you know what we got you for your birthday. >> what sm. >> a red light. bam! >> and sidewinder skates. >> all right. watch natasha watch the roast on monday night. she crushes everyone. thank you natasha leggero for being here. >> thank you. (applause) >> that means it's time to put that note back in your pocket michael keaton. it's for the win. so i can't let-- i can't let two f two f go, i had some
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great fast and furious spoilers you know what really makes me want to see it? vin diesel predicting unicon-- unironically that this will win best picture at the oscar. >> [bleep] paul blart mall cop 2. >> so comedians assuming vin is also magical and can see the future give me a line from vin diesel's oscar acceptance speech. we're going to have our comedian's answers and name a winner when we come back on @midnight.
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marcia, what happened? peter hit me in the nose with a football. now sweetheart... shut up! marcia, eat a snickers®. why? you get a little hostile when you're hungry. better? better. marcia, marcia, marcia...
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is. >> welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. let's wipe your scores clean wipe, wipe wipe wipe wipe wipe. i will read the answer aloud
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and you guys will decide the winner, you also playing for your tag team player at home. i told you about vin diesel predicting furious 7 will win the oscar for best picture and asked you to give a line from his acceptance speech. let's see what you wrote. >> first one vin gets shiny statue vin thanks academy. >> (applause) >> or i would like to thank the academy even though i didn't went to school there. (applause) >> number two, who is number two. sarah teeana has won the internet. jeff ross you have been bested by sarah tiana. she and bobba wet. see you next time our guests will be doug againson jade catta-preta and justin william. keep the
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